It’s an Age-Old Problem of Misdirected Mail

Dear Hillary:

I just wanted to drop you a note to:

1) belatedly wish you a happy birthday, and

2) let you know that people are sending me your mail.

I’m guessing it’s your mail, anyway. Here’s what happened.

Last week you celebrated your 50th birthday. I know this because I’m an extremely well-connected individual, a “mover and shaker” as they say when there’s a need to use an especially stupid phrase, who routinely has access to this type of top-secret information.

The fact that every newspaper, magazine and sizable piece of scrap paper on the planet was headlined “Hillary Clinton Celebrates Her 50th Birthday” also may have contributed to my impressive degree of insider knowledge.

Anyway, your birthday celebration quickly moved from Washington, D.C., to Chicago, where, once again, you were pictured blowing out candles and undoubtedly making a wish that child care will become a national priority or, perhaps, that Paula Jones will choke on a hefty wad of her own massive hair.

That same day, I too was engaged in various high-profile activities, such as getting my mail. And that’s when I realized there had been a mix-up.

I opened a letter from the American Assn. of Retired Persons. “Welcome to AARP!” it said. The mailing included an official membership card, along with an acceptance certificate outlining such membership requirements as:

“You must be 50 or over.”

Now, as a starting point, I want to state for the record that I am not 50 or over. Although it is true that I appear to be aging at roughly 100 times the speed of sound--my facial skin frequently being mistaken for a topographic map of major North American mountain ranges--the bottom line is I AM NOT YET 50.

Of course, this is not to imply that there’s anything bad about being 50 or over. It’s just that I’m already feeling rather unyouthful, spending a good deal of my time avoiding direct contact with reflective devices of any kind. So I really don’t appreciate when an organization such as AARP--which didn’t even allow me the opportunity to present the results from my most recent carbon-dating test--assumes that I’ve already hit the half-century mark.

Which brings us back to you, Hillary. Everyone knows that you’re now 50. Therefore, it must be you, not me, who was supposed to receive the AARP mailing.

I’d forward the letter and membership card to you, but you tend to misplace things. So I’ll summarize the important points. As an AARP member, you will have access to group health insurance, travel benefits, annuity and investment programs, credit cards, pharmacy services and services designed to have certain words, such as “Whitewater,” stricken from the language.

Most importantly, you’ll have “a voice in Washington.” Chances are it will be preserved on tape, too, and you know how helpful that can be. And all of this can be yours for only $8. I’d pay the membership for you, but I’m saving up to purchase several cases of that Ensure beverage. The nice folks there just sent me some free samples.