Film Turkeys to Devour After Dinner

Thanksgiving Day is the time when the family gathers to feast on a turkey dinner with all the trimmings. For an after-dinner treat, why not serve up some delicious cinematic turkeys? Here’s a look at some vintage movie dogs worth checking out.

Movies don’t get much worse than 1970’s “The Adventurers” (Paramount, $30), a big-budget stinkeroo that clocks in at nearly three hours. Based on Harold Robbins’ popular trashy novel, this hoot deals with a South American playboy (the totally forgettable Bekim Fehmiu) who uses and destroys everyone he meets. Candice Bergen, Olivia de Havilland, Charles Aznavour, Ernest Borgnine, Peter Graves and Rosanno Brazzi are among the cast of thousands trapped in this waste of celluloid.

John Wayne made a lot of great movies during his career, but 1956’s “The Conqueror” (Universal, $15) certainly isn’t one of them. This inane, goofy period adventure finds the Duke, complete with pointed helmet and goatee, playing the infamous warlord Genghis Khan. Susan Hayward, Agnes Moorehead and Pedro Armendariz Jr. also star in this well-stuffed turkey, which was directed by Dick Powell and financed by Howard Hughes. On a tragic note, though, the film was made near a nuclear testing area in Utah and many of the stars and crew members, including Wayne, Hayward, Moorehead, Armendariz and Powell, later died of cancer.

“The Concorde: Airport ‘79” (Universal, $15), the fourth and final installment in the successful disaster flick series, takes a real nose dive. Alain Delon, Susan Blakely, Robert Wagner, Sylvia Kristel, Charo, John Davidson, Eddie Albert, George Kennedy, Cicely Tyson and Martha Raye star in this silly thriller that finds a Concorde jet being pursued by missiles and fighter aircraft. Oscar-winning actress Mercedes McCambridge actually plays a Russian gymnastics coach! A painful 19 more minutes were added when it aired on TV.

Paul Newman hit box-office gold when he teamed up with producer Irwin Allen for the 1974 Oscar-nominated disaster flick “The Towering Inferno.” Unfortunately, lightning didn’t strike twice with their disastrous 1980 collaboration, “When Time Ran Out” (Warner). This cliched-ridden piece of hooey deals with a volcano erupting at a remote, popular Polynesian resort. It’s up to Newman to try to save the vacationers from the flowing lava. Jacqueline Bisset, William Holden, Ernest Borgnine, Burgess Meredith and Red Buttons also star.

Gilbert and Sullivan probably are still turning over in their graves over 1982’s tone-deaf “The Pirate Movie” (Fox), which is based on G&S;’ classic operetta “The Pirates of Penzance.” Kristy McNichol and Christopher Atkins, straight from his triumph in “The Blue Lagoon,” headline this pop musical, which won Golden Raspberry Awards for worst director (Ken Annakin) and worst song (“Pumpin’ and Blowin’ ”).

John Travolta shaved his body hair for 1983’s “Staying Alive” (Paramount, $15), the jaw-droppingly bad sequel to 1977’s classic “Saturday Night Fever.” This time around, Travolta’s Tony Manero lands a role in the Broadway musical called “Satan’s Alley,” and wait until you see Travolta’s costume! Directed with the finesse of a sledgehammer by Sylvester Stallone. His brother, Frank, who also is featured in the cast, wrote the majority of the snoozy ditties. Cynthia Rhodes and Finola Hughes are the women in Tony’s life.

The year after Stallone directed “Staying Alive,” he starred in one of his most witless vehicles, “Rhinestone” (Fox, $10), which he co-wrote with Phil Alden Robinson of “Field of Dreams” fame. Dolly Parton plays a country singer who swears she can turn anyone into a country singer, even a cabby (Stallone) with a New Yawk accent as thick as a brick. Quicker than you can say “My Fair Sylvester,” Dolly takes Sly under her wing and soon he’s warbling country tunes at a club. Stallone, who was nominated for two Oscars for “Rocky,” copped the Golden Raspberry for worst actor of the year, and the toe-tapping tune, “Drinkenstein,” walked away with the worst song honors.