Loosening the grip of separation anxiety

Your bag is packed, you’re ready to go. If life imitated long-ago popular songs, your next step would be to leave on a jet plane.

But something’s pulling you back. Instead of heading for the airport, you go to the kitchen to be sure you’ve unplugged the coffeepot. You call your mother-in-law to check on the kids, whom you’ve just deposited at her house. You wonder whether it’s really the right time to be away from the office. You sneeze and worry that you’re coming down with the worst cold you’ve had in a decade. Now, that surely would be reason to cancel.

You may be suffering separation anxiety, a feeling of potential disaster lurking ahead. “Separation anxiety is this feeling that when you separate from what’s familiar, you will somehow fall through the cracks,” says Dr. Mark Goulston, a Los Angeles psychiatrist.

It’s not unusual, Goulston and other mental health experts say, for some travelers to have trouble letting go, even when the vacation destination is a relaxing place.

Some separation anxiety is normal, but at times it can go too far. Certain personality types -- those who are detail-oriented, averse to risk-taking, more pessimistic -- may be more prone.

Understanding the origins of anxiety is often a first step to reducing it regardless of your personality.

Minimizing separation anxiety is important, especially if you’re hoping to have a good time on a pleasure trip, which is hard to do when you’re preoccupied with anxiety, Goulston says. “Anxiety kills curiosity,” he says, so if you’re anxious, you’ll miss out on fully appreciating new sights and customs.

Some concerns about separating are more understandable than others, mental health experts say, such as worrying about an untested house-sitter or whether the temp your boss hired to fill in for you will outperform you.

“If you leave your dog at a new kennel and worry, that is normal,” says Margaret Backman, a Manhattan psychologist who specializes in travel issues. That anxiety, she says, probably centers on a lack of control. “I think the anxiety gets more heightened the less familiar the situation is.”

Instead of zeroing in on their anxiety, some travelers express anger to cover it up, says Gary Emery, a Los Angeles psychologist. Do you pick a fight with everyone from the shuttle driver who’s five minutes early to the ticket agent at the gate? “One way to overcome anxiety is to get angry, because you can’t get angry and anxious at the same time,” he says.

Homebodies, not surprisingly, have more trouble with separation anxiety, Emery finds, as do “people who have grandiose ideas about their kids or pets not being able to live without them.”

Recent world events, including the war in Iraq and the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks, have understandably boosted travelers’ fears of separating, says Goulston, the coauthor with Philip Goldberg of “Get Out of Your Own Way,” a book about overcoming self-defeating behavior.

“Before 9/11, we thought, ‘No one will ever come across Mexico or Canada’s border and kill us,’ ” Goulston says. “We haven’t yet figured out how to learn what all the other countries of the world have learned: You can have some of your safety taken away, but it doesn’t mean that suddenly everything is dangerous.”

These days, travelers fear they might not be able to return home, remembering post-Sept. 11 chaos for travelers stranded when the airports shut down. That snowballs, Goulston says, to concerns about what will happen to those who rely on you.

Among measures to quell separation anxiety:

* When you leave children or pets with new caregivers, “do your research as well as you can,” psychologist Backman says. Check out the caregivers or the kennel ahead of time, get referrals and consider a dry run.

* Talk about separation anxiety. “Write down what you are afraid of specifically,” Emery says. For instance, if you’re thinking, “The baby-sitter will get drunk and leave,” examine it to see how realistic it might be. “You look at [what you have written] and say, ‘Is that really likely?’ ” It helps you put it in perspective and decide what is really likely to happen. In this case, you might decide the baby-sitter will pay closer attention than you sometimes do.

“Find the specific fear,” Emery adds. If you think, for example, “The dog needs me and can’t survive without me,” try getting to the truth, which might be, “Dogs like anyone who feeds them.”

* Make lists. For travelers who are detail-oriented, separation anxiety might center on their worry that they haven’t told house-sitters or child tenders half the tasks they do automatically. “We know any list we leave a baby-sitter or house-sitter is only the tip of the iceberg,” Goulston says. Make a list of all the tasks involved in being a parent or homeowner, he says, to relieve anxiety. Put a check mark by those that are crucial and realize the rest can wait.

* Consider all the energy wasted in the past by being anxious about horrible possibilities that didn’t happen. “I have people talk about times when they were nervous or anxious in their life that they really didn’t have reason to be nervous,” as it turned out, Goulston says, “and all it did was eat up a bunch of time.”

Healthy Traveler appears twice a month. Kathleen Doheny can be reached at kathleendoheny@

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