At Face Value, It Was Scary

It could only happen to tourists. A husband and wife from Arizona were picking up seashells on the shore at Redondo Beach when they saw a nose wash up. Yup, one schnoz. Size: medium.

“I was completely freaking out,” the wife was quoted as saying in the South Bay’s Daily Breeze: “The birds, they were like attacking it, trying to take off with it. We shooed the birds away and scooped it up.”

The nose was handed off to lifeguards, who placed it in a cooler and gave it to police. They passed it on to the L.A. County coroner’s office. At that point, the nose’s authenticity was still up in the air.

So I phoned the coroner’s office and reached Lt. David Smith, who told me an examination had revealed it was a “latex nose -- off a mask or something.” Whatever. The couple will have quite a story to tell the folks back home. It was, of course, the wife’s first visit to the L.A. area.

Back to the nose: I had to ask Smith, “What happens to it now?” He responded: “We’ll destroy it so it doesn’t come back here again.” Not that the nose is alive or anything....

“If we threw it in the trash,” he explained, “someone might find it and turn it back in to us.”

Unclear on the concept: Today’s exhibits (see accompanying) include:

* A lamp that you can order by mail -- as long as you have access to a telephone.

* A blouse with dueling laundry directions (submitted by Jeanette Morrison).

* A special on an item that is limited to “0 per customer.” Asked Neil McCarthy: “Does this mean that I shouldn’t even attempt to purchase the item or there is no limit?”

* A car in which “everything works” -- except, maybe, for one thing (from Frances Vargas).

Do USC students have trouble staying awake? I don’t know, but the Daily Trojan reports that what may be the world’s largest espresso machine, an 11-foot-tall contraption, has appeared on campus.

“It’s about time,” said Eamon Bourque, a physics major, who added that he had just pulled an all-nighter.

The machine was not a commentary on the drowsiness of students. It was built by the staff of “Big!,” a program on the Discovery Channel that constructs enlarged versions of ordinary items for consideration by the Guinness World Records folks.

Part of the episode was filmed at USC because it is a college campus and an L.A. landmark, said Melinda Aducci, a production manager.

“We all remember our college years, and we said we obviously need coffee to get through class, especially the early morning ones,” she added.

Stuart Claxton, a Guinness researcher, said it was too early to render a verdict.

“I have to see a big cup of coffee come out of it,” he added.

The episode will air Oct. 14. Hope it’s not on too late or I won’t be able to stay awake to watch it.

miscelLAny: An insurance company associating with nudes? It’s true, in a way. In recognition of donations from Farmers Insurance, the L.A. County Natural History Museum has named a shell-less mollusk called a nudibranch after the company. Its name: Diaulula farmersi. Ooh lula!

Steve Harvey can be reached at (800) LATimes, Ext. 77083, by fax at (213)237-4712, by mail at Metro, L.A. Times, 202 W. 1st St., L.A. 90012, and by e-mail at [email protected].