It pays to advertise

News item: A group of co-workers of a 31-year-old Utah man named Lance Archibald have rented a billboard along the interstate south of Salt Lake City to find him a bride. They say they’re concerned the Harvard Business School grad and former college basketball player can’t seem to meet anyone. Under a photo of the bachelor the billboard shouts, “I’m Lance, let’s go out!”

This raises several questions.

First, whatever happened to meeting Ms. Right the old-fashioned way? Going on a TV reality show and making an utter fool of yourself cavorting through a series of ridiculous “dates” with publicity-craving mavens who could care less what your name is, culminating in humiliating-for-all-involved “rose ceremonies”?

Not for Lance, huh? Then let’s think about this billboard. Imagine trying to attract a mate by placing your photo adjacent to a roadway where vehicles zoom past at 80 mph. This gives new meaning to “speed dating.”

The use of billboards to attract a mate is a growing phenomenon. Last month a New York man paid $20,000 to rent a billboard on a tunnel to advertise for a potential spouse. If this burgeoning trend continues, single guys won’t be asked, “What’s your sign?” They will be asked, “Where’s your sign?”

“Third and La Brea.”

I doubt the effectiveness of utilizing signs or billboards to locate a spouse. But at least Lance’s billboard isn’t in L.A. Here, taggers would give the poor, lonely guy 8-foot buck teeth. Besides, a would-be groom in Southern California might be better displaying a 20-by-30-foot copy of his 1040 form.

But fortunately the billboard is in Utah, and it seems to be successful. Not only did the website generate more than 2,000 responses -- some from women as far away as Southeast Asia -- but it also spawned a companion billboard featuring Anmaree Osmond, a 30-year-old magazine editor, that proclaims, “I’m Anmaree! Let’s go out, Lance.” Apparently billboards are the Utah version of text messaging.

This is but one example of the enormous heat Lance’s billboard has garnered in the Salt Lake City area, attracting numerous looky-loos and bystanders, essentially making him their Reggie the Alligator.

OF course, if the advertisement doesn’t yield results for Archibald, his well-meaning friends could resort to other strategies -- dropping leaflets from planes over theaters showing chick flicks, perhaps. Or maybe pay one of those freaks who take money to have messages tattooed on their foreheads to have “Date Lance” tattooed over their unibrow. Or, subliminally encrypt “Marry Archibald” all over the Oxygen Channel.

It’s worth mentioning that Lance is employed at a custom logo design outfit, and this endeavor by his co-workers coincidentally has resulted in plenty of free publicity for the firm.

Still, maybe I should cut them some slack. Never having married in Utah (where many tie the knot by their early 20s), age 31 is the equivalent of still playing the field in L.A. at 87.

I also wonder whether Archibald has failed at the usual mechanisms, such as church mixers, the bar scene, electronic dating and pushing a half-empty shopping cart around a supermarket for four hours on Friday nights, then leaving without buying anything. (I forgot my wallet, OK?)

If so, I think we need to ask ourselves if reaching out for a mate in such a fashion is a symptom of an isolated soul in a rootless, fractured society longing to make human contact?

Perhaps. Or, more likely, billboards in Utah are simply highly affordable.

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Brad Dickson can be reached at [email protected].