Laguna Toast and Roast 2003

Gus Mathieu

Honni soit qui mal y pense

as I take une sixieme chance to play host

to the annual Toast and Roast.

So what’s the old news my satirical muse? Ready to schmooze?

Congratulations! As expected, Steve was re-elected.

He ran on a North Community slate

With Elizabeth as his soul mate.

But she beat him by five votes

A smashing victory for petticoats.

To boot, Elizabeth crushed Melissa by 227 votes.

But what if this forebodes

That under our “winner take all”?

It puts 4,796 Melissas behind the eight ball?

Now Iseman is the queen of the gang

Ahead by 134 points with a big bang!

But percentage-wise, all three are equal.

Yet with a gang of five, there may be a sequel

For Frank is more equal than any other

As the watchful gang’s Big Brother.

Too bad we couldn’t vote for retiring Freeman

To some an angel, to others a demon,

As he was surprisingly for

Both a pristine Canyon and a Treasure eyesore.

But when it comes down to the nitty-gritty,

You done good, Paul, for our city!

Fisticuffs von Butow was the bully in town

But sparring Freeman could no longer upon him frown

For upon the council he has a telling impact

When he performs his “Clean Water Now!” act.

Now my muse, what can us amuse?

Well, done gone with the wind was the Coastline

-- Hi! Stu Saffer, we hope you are fine --

It was raided by an L.A. publisher

But the local news still works like a gusher

With Diamond and Castillo right on the local gossip

The council, schools, sports as main topic

But done gone is Ledbetter’s religious bent

As is Jay Grant -- for some a godsend --

And the biblical quarrels of Enderle and Borelli:

The Mailbag is improved and no longer so silly!

Letters deal more with local issues:

Mansionization, spite hedges and greasy refuse.

By a 4-1 vote, Ken Frank got a raise

Though the mayor condemned him with faint praise.

And Wayne made another stupid honest mistake

For more than recusing was at stake.

He will show that he bears no guilt

Because conflict of interest law is a crazy quilt!

And Ken cannot express any Schadenfreud’

Because English of this wicked word is devoid.

And what else was news, my satirical muse?

Kingsman let loose a justified barrage

To defend the DRB against a calumnious bribery charge.

The Butterfield blitz to some misguided cheers

Misfired -- the Pageant will stay here for 40 years.

Norm Grossman tried to impose a four-foot hegemony

But learned that Lagunans hate dictated uniformity.

Legion Commander Connell once split the town in two

Those who love trees and those who love a view.

He could now easily mend this schism

By becoming the chief of the local homeland anti-terrorism.

He is already a Citizen On Patrol, a uniformed volunteer COP,

All eyes and ears -- as he claims -- but please don’t eavesdrop!

In 1827, a poet no less than Goethe wrote

“Amerika, du hast es besser” -- and that’s a quote.

The same holds true for Laguna Beach,

Where good quality of life is within reach

As long as we keep the public forum to sound alarm

When politicians might do us harm.

So let Bruce Hopping his missiles lobbing,

As well as Connell, M.D. Atherton and Don Knapp

And all those who wear a whistle blower’s cap

And the two Felders, and Ben Blount.

Ben, please help me keep the count

Of all those activist residents

Who more often than not do make sense

Like Ann Christoph, hot for a cool green landscape,

To make trees oxygen from carbon dioxide create,

And Ann Johnson of Laguna Vision

When can we hope for a decision? --

And Arnold Hano -- un hombre bueno,

And Elizabeth Brown and Carolyn Wood,

Of the Laguna Wilderness Park,

Who kept away the Irvine developer shark,

And Merrilees, the Crystal Cove crusader

And to top it all, Village Bette, Laguna’s Nader!

For as you see, Laguna is a model micro-democracy!

So happy 2003! Vive clean air, water, tolerance and diversity!

* GUS MATHIEU is a Laguna Beach resident.