Why do parents even bother?

Don’t ask me how I know this, but on Valentine’s Day, eight days ago,

there were about six guys in a line at a checkout counter at a local

supermarket. There is nothing too unusual about that, except that it

was 6 a.m., and every guy had some form of Valentine’s Day gift for

his sweetheart.

At least two of the guys had just gotten off work. The rest of

them were probably avoiding the dog house.

The Valentine’s Day rush is typical for a lot of guys and it’s not

so bad except for the lessons it teaches our sons. Watching dad walk

in the house with a bunch of special stuff for a special someone only

moments before it’s due is not exactly the best “do as I do” example

to set.

We’re always being told how much our kids are watching us and how

much we have to set a good example, but I wonder sometimes just how

effective that behavior is.

My parents ate their vegetables. As a parent, you probably eat

your vegetables. But do kids gobble them up with all the other stuff

on their plate? No, even though parents walk the vegetable walk and

talk the vegetable talk.

And how about those clean rooms? Your room is probably tidy. But

walk into the room of any typical kid and it looks like the Target

toy department on Christmas Eve. Parents are lucky if you can find

their kids under the pile of rubble in their rooms.

Driving is another example. Most parents are pretty good drivers.

And their kids spend years and years growing up watching them drive

their cars responsibly. The parents don’t drive recklessly, they

always use their turn signals and never, ever, speed, right? Kids

watch parents driving and realize right away that they are great

drivers, it’s everyone else on the road who needs a lesson.

But once they’re behind the wheel, kids turn into a cross between

Mad Max and Mario Andretti. And that Formula One race car you’ve

loaned them is just perfect for ramming the nearest inanimate object.

And how about pets? Most parents wake up in the morning and go

through a certain routine. If they have a dog or a cat, one of the

chores is to feed them. But do kids pick up on this and take the

initiative? No way.

I was beginning to wonder about all this mirroring stuff and

whether it’s really worth setting a good example when kids are just

going to do what they want anyway. My brother Michael is a

psychologist who believes that parents grossly overestimate the

amount of influence parents have on their kids.

“When kids do something good, parents take more credit than they

deserve,” he said. “But when kids do something bad, they’re also a

lot tougher on themselves than they should be.”

Recently, I caught my son doing something that made me think twice

about abandoning all hope. He was reading the newspaper.

My mom read the newspaper in the morning with a cup of coffee. My

dad went to work, it seemed, before the newspaper was printed, so he

read it when he got home from work. At age 9, I started reading the

newspaper, starting first with the sports section and the comics, but

quickly graduating to the main section to read the news.

My major concern is that I’m not really sure I want him reading

the paper right now. Have you seen it lately? There are stories about

the United States possibly engaging in not one war, but two, stories

about how the ice caps are melting and stories about grisly crimes.

I suppose the crime stories have always been with us, but some of

these other issues are new territory. Where I grew up reading about

one war, kids are now reading about the possibility of two. They’re

also reading about how a genius in Washington, D.C. decided to tell

everyone that now is a good time for us to gather the materials we’ll

need in case of a chemical attack by a foe. That’s a pleasant way for

a 10-year-old to start the day.

So, perhaps the thing to do from now on is drop this mirroring

behavior and do the opposite of what you really want your kids to do.

After all, if they’re so intent on rebelling, particularly as they

become teens, why not use some reverse psychology and get them to do

what they’re supposed to do by doing the opposite?

But if I go that route, it means I will have to plan ahead each

February and I’ll miss all that male camaraderie in the supermarket

on Valentine’s Day.

* STEVE SMITH is a Costa Mesa resident and freelance writer.

Readers may leave a message for him on the Daily Pilot hotline at

(949) 642-6086.