First tip: Get rid of the evidence

PETER BUFFA

Yes, it’s time for the holidays. And it’s time for all the traditions

that go with them: the parties, the lights, the sleigh bells, the

shoplifting.

Nov. 11 was an interesting day at Bloomingdale’s. Not the one on

59th & Lex. The one in Fashion Island.

At first glance, it was just one more sordid little tale about a

shoplifter who got caught. Big deal. This one didn’t even have an

agent. But it gets better. I promise.

Meet Kim Ann Barro, a 36-year old massage therapist from Laguna

Niguel. According to Newport Beach police, on that bright November

morning, Kim Ann saw a cashmere scarf that she fancied, and tried to

acquire it using the special Non-Preferred Customer Five-Finger

Discount, sometimes referred to as the “100% Off Sale.” One of

Bloomie’s security officers grabbed Barro as she left the store,

explained how deeply disappointed he was in her, dragged her and her

recent nonpurchase back inside and tried to cuff her. It did not go

well. Things got physical, oddly enough, and before you could say,

“Holy Dolce & Gabbana,” Kim Ann was out the door and down the road,

sans scarf, but with handcuffs. Actually, one handcuff, to be exact,

the other dangling free. At that point, the Newport Beach police were

summoned and the search was on.

As searches go, it didn’t take long. The cashmere culprit was done

in by that powerful combination of crime-fighting tools -- technology

and stupidity. Unbeknownst to Ms. Barro, Wynona Ryder isn’t the only

star of the very-small screen. According to Bloomingdale’s, the

security peeps were already watching Barro’s every move when she

scarfed the scarf, and the whole episode was caught on tape.

In wasn’t quite as impressive as the video of Ryder walking out

the door of Saks looking like a pack mule in the Donner party -- but

it was not bad, and a number of papers and television stations

carried the images that night. Apparently, Kim Ann is very well

liked, because the police got a number of calls identifying both her

and her address. Thank you, very much.

On Wednesday, Barro heard an early-morning knock on her door and

found a number of Newport Beach detectives on the other side of it.

Inside, in no time at all, police found a newspaper clipping about

the robbery, and -- believe it or not -- the security guard’s

handcuffs. That’s not good.

I predict, and you can say you heard it here first, that Mark

Geragos will not be taking this case.

Let’s review.

Imagine that you are dumb enough to try shoplifting something from

a big department store.

I know, I know. Just humor me.

By now, everyone knows about the video surveillance cameras and

the fact that at least a few of the “customers” around you are

security people, and let me repeat, “everyone.”

In fact, if you find an extra-terrestrial wandering in the parking

lot and drag him inside, he’ll raise his little glowing finger, point

at a grate in the ceiling and say, “vee ... dee ... oh.” Be that as

it may, you decide that there is no way that you can live without

that darling little whatever.

You make the stunningly dumb decision to snatch it and get busted,

all of which takes about eight seconds. Somehow, while you’re sobbing

and crying and watching your entire life circle the drain, your brain

(and we use the term loosely here) says, “Hey, wait, I got an idea.

Let’s make a run for it. Yeah, that’s it!”

But somehow, for reasons no one in this world or any other

understands, it does -- and you find yourself back home, inside, with

the doors locked, the lights off and the shades drawn. This is a

test: what is the first thing you do? Get the handcuffs off, of

course.

Now, pay attention, this part is hard.

Well, for Kimmie, anyway. Ready? OK....

What is the next thing you do?

Yes, yes, get rid of the handcuffs.

But not Kim Ann, no sir. She kept ‘em. Good idea.

Why not leave them out on the coffee table while you’re at it?

They make a nice souvenir and who’d ever see them?

The police?

That’s silly.

Whether it’s a Hollywood actress or a Laguna Niguel massage

therapist, why do people do this stuff?

The “professional” thieves are easy enough to understand. Some

people steal cars, some people steal computers, some people steal

clothes. There are all kinds of specialists. It’s the individual,

compulsive shoplifter that is so mystifying, especially when the one

behaving bad is rich and famous.

According to Peter Berlin, the Executive Director of a group

called Shoplifters Alternative, habitual shoplifting is a response to

emotional problems, which is why the value of what’s taken, or the

finances of the shoplifter are irrelevant.

“[Shoplifting] produces a chemical reaction, i.e. adrenalin,” says

Berlin, “resulting in what shoplifters describe as an incredible

“rush” or “high” feeling, which many shoplifters will tell you is the

“true reward,” rather than the merchandise itself.

“In addition to feeling good, shoplifters quickly observe that

this “high” temporarily eliminates their feelings of anger,

frustration, depression or other unhappiness in their life,” he says.

Yeah, I guess. But I suspect the jail time makes all those

feelings of anger, frustration and depression coming rushing back in,

no? It’s not hard.

First cut off the handcuffs, then get rid of them as soon as

possible.

And I don’t care if it’s the turkey, the Ocean Spray, or the Mrs.

Cubbison’s. Get whatever you want. Just make sure you pay for it.

Have a wonderful T-Day. I gotta go.

* PETER BUFFA is a former Costa Mesa mayor. His column runs

Sundays. He may be reached by e-mail at [email protected].