All the News Even Before It Is News

Year after year, everybody makes the mistake of looking backward rather than forward. What do we care about 1991, the Year in Review? We already know what happened. Why rehash it? Let’s talk about what is going to happen. Let’s talk about . . .

Ninety-two in review:

PRO FOOTBALL

The Super Bowl--On a snowy day in Minneapolis (we even give you the weather), inside the 72-degree comfort of the Hubert H. Humphrey Metrodome (named for the subject of Oliver Stone’s next film, “HHH”), Super Bowl XXVI is won by the Washington Redskins, 31-30, over the Buffalo Bills after a field goal by Scott Norwood, who dances all over the field, screaming: “I did it! I did it! Nyah-nyah, nyah-nyah! I did it! I did it!” and gets penalized 15 yards, giving Redskins good field position for game-winning field goal.

The ’92 Season (Highlights)--Joe Montana traded to Indianapolis because he can’t beat out this Bono guy. Houston wins first 10 games, preparing for serious playoff choke. Richard Dent trial begins; defendant claims he simply meant to scare Coach Ditka. Fooling experts, Al Davis, unable to lure Raghib (Rocket) Ismail to Los Angeles, instead moves Raiders to Canada. Rams enjoy first of three consecutive 8-8 seasons under Chuck Knox.

World League--Title game between Helsinki Formulas and Frankfort Schnitzel marred by stadium riot in which hundreds of spectators are injured from crowd of hundreds.

HOCKEY

Stanley Cup--Surprise first championship for Kings after Bruce McNall’s purchase, just prior to playoffs, of Mario Lemieux from Pittsburgh in exchange for priceless wooden nickel. McNall makes news again next day by melting down Cup and trading that for franchise in Canadian pro basketball league and rare five-legged race horse.

COLLEGE BASKETBALL

The Final Four--Alabama, Arkansas, Oklahoma and Nevada Las Vegas. In regional final, UNLV actually defeated by Ohio State, but Rebels reinstated after obtaining photographs of NCAA authorities associating with known gamblers in hot tub. Kentucky eliminated in second round despite overnight-expressing cash to opponents. UCLA upset in opening round by Lamar or Southeastern Louisiana or, you know, some school you couldn’t find with a map.

GOLF

The Masters--Greg Norman, earning last-minute exemption with big victory in Zimbabwe, wins on last hole in four-way playoff with three British guys.

The U.S. Open--Using one club and one ball, John Daly plays entire fourth round in pajamas, having overslept, carries caddie, wins tournament, tells officials of British Open he will be there if he can remember where it is.

BASEBALL

The ’92 Season--American League MVP candidate Von Hayes enters September with .350 average, 35 home runs and “Von’s World” fan club in Anaheim. Nolan Ryan stuns admirers by admitting that after three or four more seasons, he must begin to consider retirement. Fans in Southeast having difficult time adjusting to new part-owner’s decision to rename team Atlanta Klutes.

The World Series--Toronto takes Game 7 from San Diego behind four-hit pitching of mercenary right-hander Jack Morris, who after game signs one-year deal with San Diego Padres.

TENNIS

Wimbledon--Playing in false Groucho Marx mustache and glasses, Monica Seles wins women’s championship. Judy Nelson demands half of winner’s earnings for having watched winner play. Shocker in men’s division: Bjorn Borg, using wooden racket without strings, defeats Ivan Lendl, because somebody has to.

U.S. Open--Jimmy Connors earns new admiration, winning tournament while interviewing self for CBS. In even bigger surprise, Jennifer Capriati announces retirement due to burnout, says she wants to concentrate on education, family, dolls.

PRO BASKETBALL

NBA Playoffs--Cleveland advances to finals because all players well-rested for playoffs, none having to attend special practices or meetings for Olympics. Cavaliers lose championship in four straight to Golden State in first sports event in CBS-TV history literally watched by nobody, not even relatives of participants.

COLLEGE FOOTBALL

The ’92 Season--Bruce Snyder joins Larry Smith for preseason seminar: “The Pac-10. Why Coach Any Place Else?” Eric Ramsey returns to lead Auburn in scoring, rushing and Nissan 300Zs. Three teams remain unbeaten at end of season, refuse invitations to bowl games, issue joint statement asking: “Why bother?”

THE OLYMPICS

WINTER--Six skaters skate. Five don’t fall. Judges huddle to decide which one wins. Winner is one with best music. Inks contract afterward to skate with Snoopy in big tour.

SUMMER--Carl Lewis wins six more golds, including 100 meters, 200 meters, butterfly, long jump, 100-meter jump and rope-climb. Commonwealth of Independent States places 68th in medal count, just behind Finland and just in front of Ecuador. American basketball team wins silver medal and is damn proud of it.