El Nino--Brought to You by a Flood of Sponsors

SCENE 1 FADE-IN

A group of TV news writers and interns are sitting nervously in a small, smoke-filled conference room. The station’s executive producer enters.

Producer: I think you all know what this meeting is about. Our ratings our dismal. Bottom line: I need stories. I need ideas. I need some news!

News Writer One: How about an expose on the potential buyers of O.J.’s Rockingham estate?

Producer: Been there.

News Writer Two: How about a tour of the Ramsey house?

Producer: Done that.

News Writer Three: How about a public service piece on El Nino? We’ll alarm--make that inform--the public about the imminent dangers of El Nino.

Producer: Brilliant, Tom!

News Writer Three: Uh, it’s Tim.

Producer: Whatever.

Commercial: Roofing repairs.

SCENE 2 (TV host is sitting at Formica table surrounded by three smiling, middle-aged guests):

Host: Good evening and welcome to “NewsBreak.” Tonight’s topic: El Nin~o. With me are three distinguished meteorologists--Gail Torrent from WSTM in Chicago, Cassandra Raines from KGST in California and Hal Zephyr from WSNW in Washington, D.C. Let’s go to the phones. Mississippi, are you there?

Mississippi: Yes. What does El Nino mean?

Host: Good question! Gail?

Gail: Well, meteorologically speaking, El Nino is a huge mass of warm water moving--

Host (interrupting): I think the caller wants to know what El Nino means, literally.

Cassandra: El Nino means the “Christ Child” or “the Christmas Child” or maybe it means--

Gail (interrupting): Wasn’t El Nino named after one of Christopher Columbus’ ships, the Nina. . . .

Host: We’ve got controversy here! Don’t go away! We’ll be right back!

Commercial: Homeowners’ insurance.

SCENE 3

Host: Let’s go to the phones. Los Angeles, are you there?

Los Angeles: What should we expect from El Nino?

Cassandra: Global famine, deluge, drought, massive disruptions in the ecosystem. . . .

Host: Sounds bad. Next caller.

Georgetown: Yes, is there any connection between El Nino and Watergate?

Host: Excellent question! Hal?

Hal (slowly scratching his head): I don’t know. . . .

Host: Fascinating! Don’t go away! We’ll be back to take more of your calls!

Commercial: Cold and flu medicine.

SCENE 4

Host: Welcome back! Boston?

Boston: Yes, do the experts want their predictions to come true?

Host: Fantastic question! Gail?

Gail: Yes, well, El Nino raises a profound ethical dilemma for all meteorologists--do we want our predictions to come true so as to bolster our professional credibility, or do we hope they don’t come to pass so as to avoid massive human suffering? It’s a tough--

Host: Good enough! We’ll be right back!

Commercial: Weather-proof paint.

SCENE 5

Host: We’re back for some final comments from our experts. Cassandra, what is your worst fear about El Nino?

Cassandra: That no one will listen to our predictions.

Hal: That the price of ground round will skyrocket.

Gail: That El Nino does, I mean, doesn’t, come to pass.

Host: That’s it! Thanks for watching!

FADE-OUT