TCHNLGY NPHOCUS (OR, AN OLDCOOT RANTS)

Each word is taken from the vanity plate master list issued by the DMV*

*

IARIVD ONERTH BEE4 SPUTNIC

WENTE N2ORBT. B4 PROZAC. BEFORE

VIDTAPE, POLYSTR, DGTLSND.

WHENNNN IWASA YNGSTR PEEPL

DYD LISTN2 PATTI PAGE--ON 78S.

TEFLON WAS SSOM CRAKPOT

DREEME. EVRY1 DIDDIE WITH THER

ORIGNEL LIVERR. IMOLD.

*

VELCRO. CLONED SHEEEP. NONFAT

CHEEEZ. FRNKLEE ICOULD TKTRLVT.

NDA FIFTYS, SUMHOWE WE SUR5D.

NO1HD AU2MATQ FOKUS

KAMERAS. WEHAD2 FOCUS

OURSELF! ITT WSNTEZY. SUMTIMZ

OUR FOTOS CAMEBAC MORDEN

SLYTLEE BLURRRY.

*

UDNTSAE “SND MEA FAX, MAM.”

USED, “JUSDFAX, MAAM.”

*

IPH UWANNNA STAUPL8 UND

WATCHTV UGOT1 CHOYCE:

DA ALLNITE TST PATTERN.

*

NN ZAT NOTECH ERA, NOBDY

WENNT ONLINE. EMAIL

WUZ THANAME UV SUM FRENCHE

GUY. FONES KAMEN1

COLOR: BLAK. MAKIN AKALLL

REQUIRD AA TEEDEUS

PRMITV PROCESS THAT NVOLVD

ANNNN INDEX FINGER,

ONE DIAL AND VARIUS HOLES.

*

INEVER PRAID4 PSHBTN PHONES.

STILLL 2DAY IHAVE1! BIGDL!

IDUNNOE WHAT2 NOTTT

PRAY4 NEXXXT.

*

*For PL8SPK translation, please see Page 34.

(BEGIN TEXT OF INFOBOX / INFOGRAPHIC)

Techonology in Focus (Or, An Old Coot Rants)

I arrived on Earth before Sputnik went into orbit. Before Prozac. Before videotape, polyester, digital sound. When I was a youngster people did listen to Patti Page--on 78s. Teflon was some crackpot dream. Everyone did die with their original liver. I’m old.

Velcro. Cloned sheep. Nonfat cheese. Frankly, I could take it or leave it.

In the ‘50s, somehow we survived. No one had automatic focus cameras. We had to focus ourself! It wasn’t easy. Sometimes our photos came back more than slightly blurry.

You didn’t say, “Send me a fax, ma’am.” You said, “Just the facts, ma’am.”

If you want to stay up late and watch TV, you’ve got one choice: The all-night test pattern.

In that no-tech era, nobody went online. E-mail was the name of some French guy. Phones came in one color: black. Making a call required a tedious, primitive process that involved an index finger, one dial and various holes.

I never prayed for push-button phones. Still, today I have one! Big deal! I don’t know what to not pray for next.