Shocked -- Just Shocked -- at His Duplicity, Paper Boots Columnist

MEMO TO: MANAGING EDITOR

FROM: CITY EDITOR

The Lopez problem is out of control. Yesterday we counted 34 fabrications in the first two paragraphs of his column. Please advise. I don’t want us to end up looking like the New York Times, having to explain how a reporter got away with one lie after another, right under our noses.

TO: CITY EDITOR

FROM: MANAGING EDITOR

(This is an automatic “out of office” reply. The managing editor is away until next Tuesday, attending an ethics seminar hosted by the New York Times).

TO: METRO EDITOR

FROM: CITY EDITOR

Lopez must be stopped. We’re not sure he actually interviewed the South Gate councilman who was shot in the head and punched in the mouth. We’re not even sure the guy was shot in the head.

TO: CITY EDITOR

FROM: METRO EDITOR

The column wasn’t bad, though. And the big boss says Lopez is hungry. He likes that.

TO: ASSISTANT MANAGING EDITOR

FROM: CITY EDITOR

Lopez is a compulsive liar. I’ve just proven beyond a doubt that he wasn’t actually in New York after the Sept. 11 attacks, and he didn’t go to the Pentagon or to the crash site in Pennsylvania either. He wrote all those columns from Hussong’s Cantina in Ensenada.

TO: CITY EDITOR

FROM: ASSISTANT MANAGING EDITOR

OK, thanks. You free for the Laker game tonight? I had promised Lopez a spot in the company skybox, but he’s not sure he can make it.

TO: DEPUTY MANAGING EDITOR

FROM: CITY EDITOR

Why won’t anybody listen? Lopez is going to be our Jayson Blair, the black reporter fired from the New York Times, or Stephen Glass, the white guy who used to make up stuff for the New Republic. Black, white, brown, I don’t care. If you can’t tell the truth, you don’t belong in the newsroom, no matter how many editors you kiss up to. We fired that photographer for one screw-up, right?

TO: CITY EDITOR

FROM: MANAGING EDITOR

I’ll be back in town this week; let’s chat. By the way, “kiss up” is pretty harsh. Nominating me for editor of the year doesn’t make Lopez a hack. Maybe a promotion will straighten him out. Give him some bigger assignments, and I’m sure he’ll grow into the job. Besides, we can’t afford to lose a Mexican American columnist.

TO: MANAGING EDITOR

FROM: CITY EDITOR

He’s not Mexican American.

FROM: MANAGING EDITOR

TO: CITY EDITOR

What is he?

TO: MANAGING EDITOR

FROM: CITY EDITOR

He claims his grandparents on one side are from Spain or somewhere, but nobody knows what to believe. Look, forget his ancestry. The point is, he’s a loose cannon. He’s destroying our trust with sources and readers. Something must be done NOW!

TO: EXECUTIVE EDITOR

FROM: MANAGING EDITOR

Did you realize Lopez wasn’t from Mexico?

TO: MANAGING EDITOR

FROM: EXECUTIVE EDITOR

Son of a gun. Where’s he from?

FROM: MANAGING EDITOR

TO: EXECUTIVE EDITOR

I don’t know. Philadelphia, I think.

TO: MANAGING EDITOR

FROM: EXECUTIVE EDITOR

I know the New York Times was after him back in the ‘80s. He says they lost interest when they found out he wasn’t Puerto Rican. You think he’d pass for Cuban?

TO: CITY EDITOR

FROM: EXECUTIVE EDITOR

I thought you told me Lopez was from Tecate.

TO: EXECUTIVE EDITOR

FROM: CITY EDITOR

No, I told you he drank Tecate. Lots of it. And we better do something about him in a hurry, chief. I’m tired of explaining to readers and sources how he gets it wrong day after day.

TO: OUR READERS

FROM: THE EDITORS

After an exhaustive and thorough investigation, we regret to report that at least half of Steve Lopez’s columns have contained outright lies.

For all we know, most of the priests he wrote about were innocent, and L.A. Mayor Jim Hahn isn’t such a bad guy.

As far as we can determine, Lopez did not attend UCLA but apparently worked there as a gardener.

We want to assure readers that despite his 748 published corrections, at no time did any of us at the newspaper have any idea his work did not meet the very highest standards of The Times.

Lopez has been relieved of his duties.

Anyone with pending claims can contact him at his new place of employment -- the New York Times.

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Steve Lopez writes Sunday, Wednesday and Friday. Reach him at [email protected].